What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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