Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
