I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
