i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
