yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
