She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
