She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
