I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
