y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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