im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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