winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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