My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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