Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
