I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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