I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
stop calling my apartment porn island.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
