How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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