I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
