wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
