so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
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Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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