I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
