I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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