his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
40s are totally the cure
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
