I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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