Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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