Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize