dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
