I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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