i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
