you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
