Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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