she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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