drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
