Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
