I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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