She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
