Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
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I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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