walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
