You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
