i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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