I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
