dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
