her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
God, I missed his penis.
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