Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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