She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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