I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
