We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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