Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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