my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
