After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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