Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
