K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
