Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
