first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
