i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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