Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
