I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
