They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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