Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
